Lesson 1: Staying Quiet Squirrels in the forest are not like squirrels in our yard. The squirrels we hunt are true wild animals that have keen senses they use to avoid predators. We must move slowly and stay as quiet as possible if we wish to be successful. Sprinting from tree to tree while shouting “I am The Dark Hunter, tremble before me, squirrels!” is not the ninja like stealth you claim to have.
Lesson 2: Sometimes Animals Do Get Away It’s an unfortunate situation, but sometimes you wound a squirrel that \ finds its way into the hollow of a tree and it’s impossible to recover. Just remember that nothing is truly wasted in nature. That squirrel will become food for others in the ecosystem. No, it does not count as “half a point”.
Lesson 3: Hunting is Not a Game We hunt for food, not for sport. We respect the animals we hunt, big or small, and we use every part of the animal we can. Hunting is not like a video game. Yes I remember that we have that hunting game for the Wii. Yes, I do like to play Big Buck Hunter. You know those are not real animals. But… Okay, we’ll just assume that all of those animals get eaten. Yes… sometimes the games are more fun than actually hunting.
Lesson 4: Learn to Look and Listen You have to use your eyes and your ears to hunt successfully. Look for movement in the trees. Listen for the rustle of leaves and the sound of squirrels barking. No, that’s just what they call the sound a squirrel makes. No, that’s an actual dog barking you hear. I’m sure. When I hear a squirrel bark I’ll point it out to you.
Lesson 5: Nature is not Scary Animals are more scared of us than we are of them. We as humans are the top predators in almost every environment. Yes, even bears are usually scared of people. Sometimes, but those bears are usually surprised or trying to protect their cubs, and we don’t have grizzlies here in South Carolina. Or very many black bears. No I don’t think there’s any bears around here or much of anything else at the moment. Now remember, we need to be quiet.
Lesson 6: Look for Animal Signs Animals leave signs we can see. Look under this pine tree. No. This one. The one we’re standing by. You see the pine cones that have been stripped clean? That means that squirrels have been in this tree. If there were wild pigs in these woods we would see their signs; rubs on trees, wallows, places where they rooted around looking for acorns and bugs and stuff. So no wild pigs. And like I said animals are more scared of us. Yes, even wild boars.
Lesson 7: Monsters are not Real That is not the sound of a monster. That’s what a real life cow actually sounds like. Yes, I’m positive. No it’s not a wild cow. There’s a farm over that hill over there. I swear that’s just a cow. No… wait, where did you pick up “Hell beast”? Buffy? Whatever. Now remember, whisper.
Lesson 8: The Source of that Sound Boy, I’ve told you already there ain’t no wild hawgs around here! That was probably a squirrel or a rabbit runnin’ from your mouth. Now HUSH!
Lesson 9: Daddy’s a Jerk I’m sorry for yelling. We just need to be sneaky, like ninjas, remember? No, don’t cry, I said I was sorry. It’s okay. What? No, I’ll bring you hunting again. I just… We … quiet, remember? Quiet.
Lesson 10: When it’s Time to go Home What do you mean you want to go? We’ve only been out here for half an hour. The squirrels haven’t even started coming out yet. Well yea, there was that one but… Boring? What do you mean you don’t ever want to go hunting again? Weren’t you just crying because you were worried I wouldn’t bring you hunting again? You’re tired? But… Yea, whatever. Fine. Yes, Starwars Legos are pretty cool… I don’t know, Yoda I guess.